so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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