under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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