You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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