Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
