I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
