I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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