I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
