that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
