she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My vagina is officially offended.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
