Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
