it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
