God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
