he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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