I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize