that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
