I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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