I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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