you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
