drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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