R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize