I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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