I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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