I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I looked at my own cervix.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize