Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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