i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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