I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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