glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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