So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
not ubering you a puppy
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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