i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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