I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
