Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
