Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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