she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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