All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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