hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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