I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
