The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
