cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize