Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My dick has a subreddit
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
