At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
