I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
