You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
