Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
