I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
