Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
