Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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