Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
