Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
