Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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