This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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