He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
