He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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