You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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