i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
