Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
