Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
